My Greatest Fear
Like so many others, one of my greatest fears is dying and worst of all dying alone. I am always reminded of this fear when I hear stories of people whose bodies were found several days after they died.
This was magnified when I began staying alone, worst of all when I fall sick.
The Day I Almost Died.
On a certain evening about two weeks after I started living alone, I felt very faint and weak. I thought this was because I had not eaten any real food, so I went out to buy something to eat. While waiting for my food to be heated by the cook, I began feeling worst.
I began to panic because, here I was in a city far from home, surrounded by strangers who are so involved in various fun activities and might not notice me pass out until it is too late.
I knew I had to do something immediately, I felt my consciousness slipping away. I immediately paid the cook cause I knew I did not wants to leave this earth as a debtor. Then I told him I was coming and took off.
I headed to the nearest bike park while praying to God to give me more time. I asked the first bike man I saw to take me to the nearest hospital. It was a long ride but the breeze on my face made me feel so much better.
This was late at night and I was on a bike with a stranger on an unfamiliar road but this was the least of my worries. All I cared about was holding on to my breath.
Getting To The Hospital.
As we got to the hospital, I immediately paid the bike man and headed straight for the reception area, which I found empty. In my desperation I entered the corridor ahead, hoping to see a door labeled doctor and luckily that was the first door I saw.
I knocked and immediately opened the door, he was talking to some patients. I ignored their presence and told the doctor I immediately needed help.
He told me to go see the receptionist first and I told him she wasn’t there. He led me to the waiting area and told me he was coming. I think we went to look for the receptionist.
He returned a few minutes after and told me he could not find her but I should wait she will soon return. I told him I could not wait, I needed immediate attention. He said okay he is coming and he left.
I was panicking and I really felt like this was the end and there was one thing I wanted to do most. That was talking to my mum, if the doctor couldn’t help me, she always had a way of making things better. I called her, luckily she didn’t waste time to answer.
I nervously told her how I was feeling and asked her to say a prayer for me. She asked me where I was and I told her.
While we were talking a nurse entered the waiting area. I told my mum the nurse had arrived and was waiting to attend to me. She then told me she was going to say a prayer immediately we ended there call.
After I ended the call, the nurse greeted me politely and asked what was wrong, I told her. She asked me if I had a hospital book, I said no, she informed me a new one will cost 500frs. I didn’t really care.
She took out a new book from her drawer and asked me to fill some lengthy information. I told her I couldn’t, I really needed to see the doctor immediately.
She took my temperature and blood pressure. She noticed my blood pressure was very high, so she decided to take it a second time and had similar results. She then asked me to follow her to the doctor’s office.
Finally Seeing The Doctor.
As we entered, she ushered me to sit and she handed my book to the doctor. The doctor was busy with his phone.
After about a minute, he put his phone down, looked at my book and began asking me questions about my life.
“Are you having problems in your relationship”?
“Is there a history of high blood pressure in your family”?
“Are you sure you are not having problems with your boyfriend ?” etc.
I guessed he wanted to know why my blood pressure was high.
He then came over and measured my heart rate, meanwhile, my phone was ringing continuously, it was my dad calling.
After carrying out several checks, the doctor just told me to relax, he thought that was all I needed. He also wrote down some test which I had to come to do the next day.
At this point, I was feeling less faint but I still had the fear this might be the end. I had heard of a case in my country where a doctor told a patient they were well enough to go home and the girl died on her way out.
I couldn’t believe the way I was feeling was only caused by stress and something as simple as relaxation was there solution.
As I left the doctor’s office, I called my dad back ( my mum had informed him). He told me, he had called some of my cousins who lived in the same city but very far away. He wanted them to come to meet me in the hospital, so he wanted to know my location. I told him I was already leaving and he suggested I don’t spend the night alone.
So from the hospital, I went to my cousin’s home, where I was welcomed and shown a room to sleep. I immediately went to bed and as I closed my eyes, I still had the fear I might never open them again.
Well, needless to say, I did wake up the following day and after a number of check-ups, I found out I was suffering from blood shortage.
The high blood pressure was caused by stress and my fear of dying.
This day also confirmed my intense fear of dying and the reasons why
Why I Was Scared Of Dying.
Some capital letter thoughts which were passing through my mind during my panic was;
- I didn’t have the time to experience so many things which I really wanted to.
- Not accomplishing much in life.
- I made poor eating choices, which has led to this early end.
- And above all, there was no loved one around me at that moment.
Reflecting some more about these moments and my thoughts, I came up with several lessons which I am now committed to continue implementing in my life.
- I need to re-evaluate my priorities, putting my health and family at the top.
- I need to Make the most of the time I have here.
- I have to work on overcoming my fear of dying.
- I Have to work on staying positive in various situations, as this only leads to an increase in blood pressure and stress.
On my next blog post, I will be sharing with you how I am working towards overcoming my fear of dying.